I had to take Cocaine to Function-Users story

Steven thought life would be boring without cocaine.

Steven’s Story The first drug I took was alcohol, I was 11 years old. I remember having a feeling that I was missing out on something and couldn’t really wait much longer. From that first time I took more than I intended, at the time I reckoned this was because my friend didn’t want his due to not liking the taste. I never liked the taste either but the
effect was what I was after, I felt comfortable. The rest of the evening was told to me when I came to. I had been very sick and felt terrible. I decided then that this would not happen again and certainly I never drank that brand of alcohol again. However I did go on to learn, as I thought, how not to be sick every time. For the rest of my teens and my twenties getting out of my face became my hobby.

 My life, apart from the problems I created myself with drink and drugs, was really not too bad but I felt there was something missing. Something to make me feel better, contented.When I went to work I worked really hard because I didn’t know what was missing in my life, but whatever it was money would surely buy it. In  November  1989  I was about to open the doors of my first business and everything was in place including a good buffer of money to get me started. A friend of mine suggested we get some cocaine and we did and it was crap. I decided that the real stuff must be a lot better and I found some elsewhere the following week. My head was completely turned. I bought an expensive suit to show everyone how I felt and spent the rest on booze and coke. I soon lost interest in the business, making excuses to not go in, hiding away in my bedroom in my parents house snorting coke.When I took cocaine I felt like I was a big shot  and that somehow just by taking this drug I would be better at everything and better than everyone else too. My reality was that I had no money and lived at home with my parents and wee sister. sometimes I would come home from work [missing dinner] just to wash and change to get back to my bag of coke and my mother would tell me to do the dishes.

That wasn’t part of my trip. I felt like Al Capone. I would think to myself I could get her shot; I’m the top man! The business went bust after 14 months and by this time I was down the road with ecstacy as well. I remember when it arrived in Glasgow. One week lunatics were growling at everyone looking for a fight then the next week they had their arms around me telling me that they had always loved me and by the way what’s your name? for the next 10 years I tried to live with drink and drugs and I tried to live without them. I really loved getting high, but there were too many lows mixed in with the highs. I tried to reverse this, but it got worse, not better. I moved to Australia for a year but my problems just followed me, I just drank heavily. I entered into relationships; worked a lot of hours, tried getting fit then back into business. Nothing succeeded and my problem just kept following me around. The more I tried to live successfully and the more I failed the more despair I felt. I would get over another big episode; find another place to live, another scam and give it another try. I always thought it would be different this time. But It wasn’t. Sometimes I took the first line thinking I hope its not just as bad as the last time. By this time I had lost the power of choice, I had to take cocaine to function properly. For most of the last of my using I didn’t venture out much, just for supplies. It all became the same. I would arrange skins, remote control, coke, CD cover, pipe, fags, hash, bottles and pills in a semI circle in front of me and put porn on the tv with the sound turned way down. Sometimes I would just listen. Listen like no one had ever listened before. Other evenings it was as if my face was superglued to the window pane. I was paranoid about catching them watching me.

 I found cocaine anonymous through someone in AA where I had began to attend. I found it when I was meant to; at the end of my road. I had a house, a job, and a car, but I had no hope of stopping. A term my fellow addicts and alcoholics used was ‘spiritually bankrupt’. That was me. There was no hope in my bank – just despair. I didn’t take on the suggestions I heard at meetings and I used again. I got back from that at the beginning of July 2001 and I have been sober and clean since then. I took on the suggestions at meetings and the program on offer there and it worked for me. I no longer believe the lie that it will be different this time. For all the trouble drink and drugs were to me I always thought life without them would be terrible, really dull and boring. This has not been my experience. This past nine years, has been the life I always wanted. I got married and now have two beautiful kids. I was right about one thing though; there had been something missing in my life that kept me feeling restless, irritable and discontent but I have found it now. Grateful alcoholic and addict, Glasgow, Scotland.
source Cocaine Anonymous Scotland.