I hated myself when i was clean-Fiona's Story

Fiona's story-i hated myself when i was clean.

Fiona’s Story I remember feeling separate from other people from a young age. I was quite shy and found it hard to make friends. I often felt different, awkward and embarrassed and this made me feel alone. Like no one else really felt like me. Growing up I was always bullied at school as well as in my home life and so I never really felt like I
fitted in anywhere. I felt like this was my fault, that there surely must be something the matter with me. I would escape into fantasy where I would imagine myself different from the way I was. The first substance I picked up was alcohol. When I drank, it was like the world changed, and I changed too. I felt a part of life. It gave me confidence to be the kind of person I always thought I wanted to be. 

Later, I was introduced to other substances. This again gave me a sense of ease and comfort. At twenty one I was using drugs every day as part of my daily life. This continued for another seven years before I found recovery. I used to look down my nose at some of the people I used with. I always thought I was better or more clever than anyone else because I was able to use the drugs I did and still manage to make it to my work the next day. I thought that as long as I could keep my job and my family didn’t find out then that meant that I wasn’t really an addict. I tried quitting many times unsuccessfully. I would just end up in the same place every time.

 I would pick up the same substances again because I hated myself and the way I felt when I was clean. If I couldn’t use before I went to work in the morning I would wake up and sit on the end of my bed and cry because it was so hard for me function without drugs in my system. I just couldn’t cope. On the outside looking in you might have thought that my life was pretty manageable. I still had my job and I had hid my drug use from my family. On the inside I felt awful. Then had a moment one day were something inside me just snapped. I knew that I was beat. I couldn’t go on living the way I was living. I curled myself into a ball on my bathroom floor and cried. After that I felt better, because I knew that things had to change. I contacted members of my family who were in recovery. One of them took me to my first meeting of Cocaine Anonymous. 

I was welcomed; people in the room were happy and laughing. Which I found confusing because anytime I had put drugs down I was miserable. I got a sponsor and was introduced the 12 steps. I can honestly say that my life has changed as a result and is better than what it was. I no longer feel alone as I can identify and help other people. I am able to feel a part of something that is greater than me. Most importantly, I’m able to live a normal life and be happy. That’s all I ever wanted.